Wow!!

Tonight we had one of those moments....where heaven and earth seem to mix.  Where the child that once grew inside of me taught me, inspired me and lifted me to a higher level of faith.  We were having a little lesson about happiness and wanting to work on finding more positive and happy things as a family.  Cancer has a way of bringing people down and overtaking life at times.  We then told Gracie that one day when she was done fighting cancer Mommy and Daddy wanted to take her and our family on a fun trip and described what it could possibly be like.  She said "wow that's lots of things" very happily.  After we talked for a minute she said "Heavenly Father take my cancer from me" and we both just stared at her.  WOW, what faith.  My sweet little girl is a true angel from heaven on this earth with great faith, greater than mine I think.  She knows that Heavenly Father will take her cancer from her.  I believe He will.  I can't wait for that day, but today I'm undeniable grateful for the blessing of being her mother.  For learning from her sweet mouth that YES, Heavenly Father will take her cancer from her...and most certainly our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ has already suffered for her cancer and has been with her and each of us on this journey.  Of course seconds later she was coloring on the couch:)  Out of the mouth of babes.

Another day

I have considered going private...and may still...but seems like to much work at the moment.  My reasoning being that I share so many feelings that are so personal and so real to me...but maybe not to the readers. Another being I don't even know who reads this...may not be many but hard to share such feelings with the unknown at times.  But I just remind myself its really for me and for my family.  And most of all for Gracie, maybe she won't want to know as she gets older.  Maybe she'll want to forget cancer was part of her life...and most the time I hope it will be just a passing thought in our future...but I hope she, and all of us remember the strength we gained and pay it forward to others who are also in need as we have been.  It's been extremely hard for me to face many days knowing we haven't been able to make it on our own.  I guess it's a lesson that is good for me to learn, but continues to be hard for me at the end of every day when we are so thread bare worn out and wondering how we'll face another day.  When the emotions are so heavy we feel like we can't move for the weight on our shoulders.  Daddy and Gracie just got home from getting counts...we'll see what they are.  We've been worrying she's trending down...but to everyone else it's just a number.  To us it's our life.  It's what happens today and tomorrow, it's whether we get to stay home or live another moment in the hospital.  It's hearing our daughter cry and knowing by the little morning happenings that she's going to the hospital or clinic.  She's so smart it hurts sometimes.  Today is another day...counts are taken we'll await the magic "number" that will determine the weeks events.  THANK you to the wonderful people that donate time talent and coloring books and crayons and Belle barbies to bring a smile to my angels face and a smile to mine...is anyone else married to man that puts hand sanitizer all over their daughters new crayon box?? haha welcome to my life!  That's what you get when you combine cancer and a germaphobe!  But a great Daddy to have!  He gives his life every day for her and all of us.

Clinic...

Just the word clinic causes increased anxiety for any cancer mom/dad I'm pretty sure. At least I know it does at this house.  In order to make it to the 10:00 appt which is the latest they have been willing to give us we should leave by 8:20, difficult when the patient rarely awakes before 8:30 and does not like to be bothered for quite some time after waking.  And she knows by now just exactly where she is headed and repeats over and over "I not want to go to hospital", " I not want to be brabe" yes she says brabe, it's pretty cute and "I not want a prize".  So as is no surprise by the description she was not out the door much before 9:00 despite our best efforts to wake her...I'm seeing a challenge when she starts school :) So her counts were high enough to continue chemo tonight...but low enough to have us worried and trying to prevent another repeat of her last week long hospital stay.  She seems to be trending down again and long story short we are thinking the chemo dose is a little too high for her little body or her marrow is slowing down possibly making the chemo dose too high etc.  So the Dr told us to definately have her counts checked in two weeks and gave us a prescription for counts to have them taken any time we feel we want them.  So we'll probably have them taken in a week.  It's always so hard for me to make these decisions b/c she hates getting accessed.  She did well today Todd says, he took her and sounds like it went well but of course we gave her zofran and valium before she left which seems to help her. 
However, we FINALLY got her playing outside with the water table etc and bathing with her shirt off... and its back to the same old game crying, screaming terrified sweet girl who wants to "cober up her owie" and get a new shirt on.  She showered unhappilly with Todd with her shirt on and I had to have a new shirt ready to immediately put on to switch with the soaking wet one.  Hurts to think about...I wonder what her little brain and body is going through to be so terrified around her own parents to not even take her shirt off to shower.  How afraid she must feel.  I pray she will forget most of this but feel she's now old enough to remember.  She has now made herself a "new bed" on the couch where she has a large heavy quilt that she puts over her as well as her "white blanket from grandma".  She didn't even want to go out and play outside tonight we pretty much had to force her out. 
Her ANC was 760 today, and hemoglobin was 11.6 I believe.  Low on exact details since I was home with Tyson and getting our garage fixed finally.  I guess another clinic visit down and closer to the day we dont have to do this anymore and maybe we'll actually feel comfortable taking her on a trip or to go visit family.  Gets hard missing out on so many events and her not seeing any of her cousins and us not seeing many family members, but I don't dare take her to Utah every time we visited she got sick, and a vacation isn't a vacation in a hospital.  Plus crazy old mom has some terribly irrational emotions about going back to utah since the last time was so rough and right before she was diagnosed.  All her cancer symptoms started then and I was so oblivious to what was coming.  Some day...one step at a time.  One day closer...my new motto!  Every day we are one day closer!  Until then I pray every day for heavens help!

Tyson Todd

The moment this sweet boy was born was perfect...it was everything I ever could have imagined it to be!  It was definately a moment where life is so good and you know miracles do still happen.  I didn't want to stop holding him...as a result we both ended up with the nasty meconium all over, I couldn't even do anything but laugh about it as gross as it was because he was so perfect, but I finally gave in and let them take him for a few minutes once we realized so he could get cleaned off.  But truly I didn't want to let him go.  He'd been through a war in the womb with me.  I almost couldn't believe he could come out so healthy and perfect after how difficult the last 3 months had been.  He was born strong though, I know that. 
On his birthday Sunday, my feelings were very tender.  It was a big day and milestone for all of us as a family I think, but I was literally awestruck that we had all survived the year together.  There were frustrations for me that day such as chemo and other cancer things that always alter our ideal plans and what I'd like to do, but I have tried to not focus on that and decided next year I want to take him out for his birthday (ok just part of it, we'll still have a family party) and spend some one on one time with me, maybe Todd will come too, but he so deserves it.  Hopefully I can do it a time or two before his second birthday, but somehow it made me feel better about things. 
This boy is a ball of energy...exhausting every day, but thanks to our challenges I thank God each day for his energy because it tells me he's healthy!  What a blessing!  He's tall and strong (seriously he pulled himself up on the edge of the table yesterday his feet were literally off the ground) and incredibly handsome...yes he takes after his Dad I think they look a lot a like and most everyone else does to.  Lucky he took his name then!  His eyes melt me, every time he looks into my eyes with his sweet brown eyes I fall totally in love with my little boy again.  I can't wait to watch him grown and learn and hopefully soon walk.  He's so close, but a little gun shy...it'll happen soon enough. 
I made sure to find a few of what I call "perfect moments" with him on his birthday!  My favorite was his rolling giggle at bath time his birthday night as we played peek-a-boo.  Just me and Tyson.  Gracie is normally the ONLY one that can make him laugh like that, it's a contagious uncontrollable laugh.  Every time I mentally chalk it up as a "perfect moment" nothing could be more perfect.  But this time was special, it was just us.  I imagine he'll grow up to be tall and handsome just like his father and probably have his father's same need to get out his energy.
Tyson LOVES when his Dad plays with him.  Every night when Dad gets home he cries til he gets to see him, so I recently started throwing him in the shower with Todd after he gets clean and he loves it.  He loves being thrown high in the air and hanging over dad's head.  He is into everything all the time and never wants to stop or be held.  He loves being outside and doing EVERYTHING big sis does to her dismay and great joy.  Every time he left that week in the hospital she would say "I want my brother".  He adores...seriously adores Gracie.  Like I said her silly nonsense makes him giggle uncontrollably and it is perfect, so perfect.  He is an AMAZING eater, he loves to eat and he eats well.  He'll eat just about anything.  Lately he loves blueberries and of course many other things.  He's hungry most the time...not uncommon around this house.  He loves bathtime and loves Gracie's bath time more he just laughs and laughs watching her take a bath.  He's loved swimming the few times we have gone. 
He has worn me out every single day of this year...except the few days I haven't spent with him in which Gracie has (usually cause i'm in the hospital with her and miss him like crazy when I don't get to see him) but I can't think of a day he hasn't made me smile.  I wondered how we would handle another child on top of cancer, but know that heaven above knew that we needed him to handle cancer.  To make Gracie smile, me smile and Todd smile.  To give us something positive to think about, not just dismal cancer.  11 months from Tyson's birthday Gracie will be off treatment.  I know right...almost sounds short.  And Tyson will have helped us get through with a smile on our faces.  Gracie as well, but we needed them both and I'm so thankful he is here with us even when I'm so tired my vision blurs and my head pounds. 
Thank you for being the best son a mother could have.  I truly look forward to every day and every year I get with you.  I hope it is many.  You are a true joy!!!!!   Happy 1st Birthday brother!
Pictures to come...