Tonight I took the kids out on an adventure, we hit up a few stores had dinner at cafe rio and used some of their money from the "binky fairy" to buy them ice cream. Sound pretty normal? Maybe but it doesn't to me. Even when it's stressful with my 2 monkeys its in almost like a dream that i never thought would be a reality. It's been a while since I posted and SOOO much has happened. But as I sit here my heart hasn't changed much. Gracie has been off treatment for almost 3 months what a joy!! What a blessing, but do you know what hasn't changed? My heart is still very tender, it still aches it still can't leave alone the other children suffering from cancer or other heart wrenching challenges. My heart bleeds for their mothers, who like me wake up every and have to chose faith over fear and sometimes get overwhelmed by fear b/c we know how brutal reality can be. My heart has tiny scars on it for each fighter who has been taken from their families, yes even if i haven't met them in person.
I still have to fight an inner battle and force myself to not comment when I see over and over comments from other moms about how "sick kids are the worst" or "shots are the worst" I'd personally like to know the definition of worst when I read that. I know it's all a matter of perspective and I don't blame them. It's awful to see you're child suffer regardless...i just was forced into a different threshold where vaccines aren't a big deal and the only reason a sickness feels like a big deal is because of past trauma and when i sit in an er my mind flashes to different moments in the hospital...horrifying moments that I call "the worst" and yet I know that still others have their "worst" like the moment their baby drifted from this world and although into a better world, heaven, it was away from them.
It's September, I wonder why the white house will be Pink in October but not gold in September for childhood cancer. I wonder why our family was thrust into the cancer world so early on? I wonder if her cancer will plague her again? I wonder why the same drugs that are given to treat cancer can cause cancer? I wonder which cancer mom is wondering right now how they can survive just one more minute? I wonder who and how I can help them...if not I pray someone else does. Does anybody else wonder these things? Despite the constant barrage of questions and emotions and hurt I have determined to wake up each morning and live by faith not fear, it may not always be easy and sometimes i have to work more at it than others but each day is a gift and cannot be taken for granted. If I do not savor what today has to offer then what a waste of a precious gift!!
Thank you Lord for each and every day, and for every blessing that comes from Thy Hand. I am not grateful for cancer, but in a strange way I am grateful for the tenderness that has entered my heart even though it comes at a high cost and with great pain. At the end of my life I hope one of the legacies I leave behind is that I did what I could to relieve human suffering, it's something that's always on my mind. I just want to help lighten the loads of those who are truly suffering and if possible bring some peace or joy as God's servant. There is so much suffering, and so often unseen or unheard.
