"Not shrinking is more important than surviving"

So as I was thinking tonight and of the missed posts or times I haven't posted it has OFTEN been when Gracie's counts are low.  That fancy word "neutropenia" feels like a cuss word in this house.  Please don't tell us she's neutropenic...please don't give us another chemo hold...please don't scare us with the "f" word...fever!  I'm typically too emotionaly spent to even think of posting at that time and sadly just feel weighed down.  I feel like physical weight is placed upon my shoulders and my neck hard to hold up.  Today the news was soo unexpected...I guess it always is  Didn't they tell us back in frontline treatment "once you hit maintenance things get much better..you only have to go in once every 4 weeks"...they forgot to mention UNLESS your daughter is prone to low counts then you get to go every week or two.  Our brave little hero has gone to get counts every week or two since we moved down here...since JULY.  Yes it's now march.  And now I wonder...did we get so set on hoping we could just sail to the finish line without another chemo hold it was destined to happen.  Well either way it did and her ANC tonight was a whopping 112.  When she was diagnosed it was 100.  When she was in delayed intensification the phase she lost her hair and they often need transfusions or low blood counts her ANC was never below 300.  So why maintenance?  I will admit I broke down after I talked to the nurse and then the oncologist.  Another chemo hold and check counts in a week.  So we wait...on lock down.  No playdayes, no social interaction, no public places (not that we were anyways) but we were enjoying the park occasionally with friends.  Oh except we get to get out once...monday morning for the dentist.  Gracie woke up complaining of her tooth...so her hygienist mom whipped out her mirror and the light for checking ears I laughed at Todd for buying...turns out to be pretty handy for trying to play hygiene at home.  Swollen gums in her front middle teeth behind and the front tissue along the mesial gingival margin is not attached (that's for you Ace) the tissue is kinda flapping.  hmmm so i get nervous about risk for infection and call her oncologist and text the dentist...her message said she wants to see her at 830 monday morning and she could call in some amox to be safe for the weekend.  Her onc said the Amoxicillin coulnd't hurt...so more antibiotics she started them today.  Hopefully it's not too big of a deal at the dentist monday morning, yes i'm anxious about taking her out when she should be on lockdown....but it needs to be looked at.  However it can't be poked and prodded only looked at, counts are too low to mess around at all. 

Although the answer is unknown to why her counts are low, not me, not Todd, not even her oncologist has a guess to why they are suddenly so low I'm grateful for the Spirit prompting me to forego watching my laundry folding show of choice "Cake Boss" and leading me to open a talk given (i honestly don't know when) by Elder Bednar about not shrinking being more important than surviving.  A lesson Elder Maxwell taught him years ago.  Of course Elder Maxwell also fought leukemia like Gracie.  He also shared a story of a very young couple facing cancer recently after marriage.  Todd was even sucked in and we both folded (or partly folded) and listened as he taught us valuable lessons.  Lessons that will still take much work to internalize for we never truly learn until we experience and internalize the words we hear.  While watching it I felt as if the Lord had invited His very own apostle into my bedroom for a private chat about the things I needed to hear.  I don't think it was coincidence or chance, but I do KNOW that the Lord is mindful of ME!  He is mindful of Gracie and all of us.  We are His children and He will not leave us alone.  It is more important to not shrink than to survive.  I pray I may never shrink but always stand faithful even in moment of severe trial and be on the Lord's side, as He is always on mine.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cpyPUEQlDY&NR=1&feature=endscreen