4th month of maintenance

Off to another long week...cancer comes but cancer never seems to really go.  Gracie had clinic yesterday and although we're glad to have another spinal tap/sedation over with the during and aftermath as usual haven't been too fun.  She was mostly miserable last night and this morning.  When they were ready for sedation we started walking in and for the first time she was walking she and I were following the nurse and Dr then she suddenly realized where we were going.  Yep 2 1/2 is definately old enough to be onto the hospital and what comes next.  She turned around half way down the hall and headed the other direction in a very pouty fashion.  Broke my heart right in half then I had to go pick her 35 lb 11 oz body up and carry her in  She buried her face in my chest and started rubbing her eyes as if she could feel the effects of the sedation already.  She was mostly very sad to be in there but true to Gracie form gave her elmo and dora stickers to Dr. L on her pretty blue "dress" with stars that she puts on before the LP.  We started steroids last night and she is just definately not herself since clinic yesterday.  Her eyes have dark circles under ( although I imagine many people would say she looks great....to me she doesn't, she's not my Gracie...she's chemo/steroid Gracie I can't wait til we stop these drugs and they don't take my girl from me anymore).  She was totally restless last night and I went and laid with her at midnight as she was still awake and at 12:40 I came out and switched with Todd for the night as she was just kicking and moving and no where near sleeping. 
We're trying our best to stay optomistic and just keep going but it seems almost minute by minute we sometimes have to redirect our minds.  Of course a year of very little sleep doesn't help, nor does the stress of the job hunt and all that entails.  However on the bright side after this week of steroids I think we only have 5 more spinal tap/sedation/steroid/Vinc weeks through treatment.  I know I shouldn't complain b/c the boys have a whole extra year... So for today I'm going to be thankful for that.  One thing I have learned is it will never, never, never get easy to watch my baby suffer or undergo sedation.  Every single time I have to try to put a lock on my heart to shield it from emotion and even then some still leaks in. 
Her counts were ok to keep chemo as is however her ANC is on the low end and only high enough because she's on study.  I always feel more comfortable when it's above 1000 for some reason it helps me have a little less anxiety when she is but it was 700 yesterday.  Guess the chemo's doing it's job. 

Clinic Stats

WBC: 2.2

ANC: 700

HGB: 12.7

Platelets: 272,000

Another "on the bright side"  is her hair is getting longer and she's looking like a  beautiful beautiful little girl instead of a big beautiful baby:)  Either way she's incredibly beautiful but she does look a little more grown up.  As well as acting more grown up her vocabulary is definately increasing proof by her statement last night as we started our med battle "I don't like it".  Yes she does not like the steroid we bribed her this morning with some My Little Pony fruit snacks.  Thanks heavens we don't do this every month.