Friday, October 28, 2011
True emotion
Well...I find myself posting some things that I think...should I share that with more than my personal journal? But, lets face it this is my journal and my families journal so if you don't want to know my real feelings I guess this is a blog you won't want to read. Last night I looked up at a beautiful picture of Gracie right before her 1st birthday and for the first time I felt angry. It came out of nowhere and pierced deep. She'll be two in a couple days and I am very excited to celebrate with her...but I guess it's kind of hard to face that things aren't what they were on her 1st birthday. We've had a two week break I think from chemo....it's been long enough that for the first time since her chemo started that i can't tell you how many days it's been since she's had chemo. And I don't want to calculate it or know how long it's been I just don't want to start up again next Tuesday. I don't want to go to clinic and get her port accessed and pour more poison in her veins. I want them to do it to me. I dont' want to be the bad guy and see her pleading eyes look at me with tears pouring out while they poke a needle into the port I wish she didn't have to have. I know it's better than getting a vein each week...but how many kids do you know that need to have blood drawn weekly? And it should be that way. I wish I didn't know any kids that did. All the kids I do are absolute heros. A million times stronger than I am. They are happy and cheerful despite the difficult circumstances they are living long before they should know what it means to suffer. I'm very grateful for A LOT of things and like I said it's the first time I've really felt angry about the situation we're in and I'm going to do my best to let go of all the negative feelings and enjoy this weekend and the good things to come. I'm not begging for sympathy...I know each person reading this has many challenges of their own and don't want to minize any of them. Just documenting my real emotions me and my posterity. I guess I just don't want to put on some type of crazy glaze over everything I say in my journal (the blog) just because it's read by other people. I believe it's ok and normal to have these types of feelings and want my kids to understand that. It's ok to feel angry, frustrated and upset, we just have to deal with them in an appropriate way. I couldn't be more grateful to have been given Gracie as well as Tyson...and Todd. I have been truly blessed in my life and now I'm going to go focus on my blessings which are MANY! Happy Weekend! And stay posted for LOTS of birthday/halloween pictures of our super cute kids!
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I hope you don't care that I read this. It is ok to feel that way, especially in your situation. You'd be crazy if you didn't at some point. Your sweet innocent little girl gets poison injected into her - that's a good reason. I'm praying for you guys and i love you all. You're the coolest person i know.
ReplyDeleteI don't think anyone would ever blame you for writing down your true feelings here on your blog. It's your blog, you get to write whatever you want. And of course it's ok for you to feel that way! I think that it's healthy to express your feelings too, you need to vent somehow!! And yet, you are still so grateful for so much. You are so awesome!
ReplyDeleteI would really appreciate it if you kept sharing your real, true emotions. I think it's totally healthy and necessary. I just wish we could talk about it in person. It was so great to talk the other night. I hope Gracie's party was fabulous!!! She is such an amazing little thing to celebrate!
ReplyDeleteI see why you don't want to write the bad all down. I told Bryan that I want to be the kind of person that when people visit or question, I turn it back to them and they leave filling uplifted and not the sadness I feel. I can't imagine how you much feel. It is really hard to watch ones you love go through so much pain. Hope Gracie's party was fun.
ReplyDeleteI think you should totally keep writing your true feelings. I can't imagine that anyone could go through something like this and not run through the full gammet (sp?) of emotions. It's a kind of grief I think. Grief for a childhood that should never have to deal with these kinds of things.
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